Facing the Suffering of Sexual Dysfunction
I had growing pains when I was little. Whenever my legs began to ache my mom told me to “run it off.” She knew growing pains were temporary and that running would likely distract me from the ache. There’s some wisdom to that.
Sometimes when we feel pain or sorrow, we need to see it for what it is—temporary suffering. If we can train our mind to process pain, sorrow, suffering, in a way that is curious but objective, compassionate, and non-judgmental, we will move through suffering and likely come through with increased wisdom. However, if we stew about our sorrow, hold on to feelings of resentment or pain, ruminate about mistakes or offenses, we can get stuck. We become stuck in our suffering.
In other words, suffering can be productive or just
plain old pain. We can choose our outcome by
taking some initiative or accountability for the
suffering or conversely, we can blame others for
the pain.
Sexual dysfunction can be a unique kind of
suffering. We feel inadequate, alone, frustrated,
and sometimes angry. But sexual dysfunction
need not be so hurtful if we approach the
suffering of dysfunction a little differently. Pain,
disappointment, suffering is intended to grab our
attention and connect us with our body.
Sometimes suffering is telling us that something
is off balance and needs addressing or adjusting,
and tuning into this positive function of pain can
be useful. When we ignore or blame others for the
suffering, it often gets worse. However, when we
give attention to the source of the suffering, we
can heal and learn. Hopefully, our suffering moves
us toward growth.
IT’S UNREALISTIC TO HOPE FOR A PAIN-FREE
LIFE. SUFFERING IS NORMAL AND CAN BE PRODUCTIVE TO OUR GROWTH.
Here are just three ways to make suffering
productive:[i]
1. REALIZE THE IMPERMANENCE OF LIFE
Nothing lasts forever and this is true of pain. It will
subside. No matter how hopeless our
discouragement with our relationship or sex life
seems, it will likely resolve, diminish, or become
less important. No emotion is completely stable.
We are fluctuating beings. Be patient and kind
with yourself and your partner.
2. EMBRACE THE PRAGMATIC NATURE OF
SUFFERING
Understand that we all suffer. We cannot avoid
suffering- it is just a reality of life. We need to
acknowledge that suffering exists, there is a
reason for suffering (or there is a meaning in
suffering), suffering will not last forever, and
something will help bring it to an end. As we
better understand ourselves, we more quickly
identify the origin of our suffering and the remedy
to our suffering. In the case of sexual dysfunction,
our bodies may not perform how we hoped, but
we can still create intimacy and connection by
better understanding each other.
3. WE CAN MATURE EMOTIONALLY IF WE APPROACH SUFFERING WITH A “RIGHT MIND.”
In Buddhism suffering originates from desire and
ignorance.[ii]Desire is the pursuit of things that
cannot satisfy—money, power, fame, control, or
any selfish pleasure. Ignorance comes from not
seeing the world (including ourselves) clearly. Am
I afraid to confront myself about my ambition,
greed, or selfishness? Do I gently confront my
partner (or myself) about the lack of equity or
awareness in the relationship? See Blogs: When
Giving Is Taking A Toll & Zen and the Art of Making
Love
WHEN WATCHING AFTER YOURSELF, YOU WATCH AFTER OTHERS. WHEN WATCHING AFTER OTHERS, YOU WATCH AFTER YOURSELF. ~BUDDHA
When the suffering of sexual dysfunction sneaks
into our sexual relationship, we can do some
relationship evaluation.
Are we watching after our self and our partner?
Do we openly address our unmet needs and healthy desires with our partner?
Do we take time outside of sex to connect with our body?
Can we be vulnerable about our fears, anxieties, or pleasure?
Are we in tune with our partner’s general needs and sexual feelings?
Do we withhold sex as a punishment or as a bargaining strategy?
Has sex become “blah” because we have not set aside a time to kindle the fragile passion of our union?
We likely WILL experience sexual dysfunction at
some point in our relationship. Men may
experience occasional erectile dysfunction that
may become more regular as they age. Women
may experience low desire, low arousal, or they
may struggle to feel satisfying orgasms. When
this occurs can we slow down and recognize this
as just a small bump in the road, something to
talk about as two loving spouses who are on the
same side? OR do we withdraw, blame our
partner, feel hurt or inadequate–frustrated, but
silent?
What might help us process these emotions is to
allow this type of suffering to wash through us
and teach us about the fragile nature of arousal
and emotion. Here is an opportunity to dig down
into our emotions and share fears, frustrations,
hurt, and anxiety. Most sexual dysfunctions
improve as couples reduce anxiety, communicate
authentically, and create greater intimacy.[iii]
We suffer because so often we feel alone in our
suffering. We feel alone within the tight
boundaries we have set. We want to blame
someone else and avoid accountability. But, isn’t it
interesting that in a world where we often focus
on appropriate boundaries, what we most desire
is a merging of boundaries with one person of
importance? This vulnerable intimacy eases the
suffering and allows for sweet, healing
connection, even when confronting sexual
dysfunction.
