Taking Aim at the Myths of Orgasm
A freshly in-love couple enters an empty elevator, and by the time the doors open onto an upper floor they are rearranging hair and adjusting clothing to hide the fact that they have both—in seconds flat—reached the heights of sexual ecstasy. We’ve seen the romantic movie scene play out in so many settings, in so many ways. What kind of magic tricks do they know that we don’t? And how come what happened behind those elevator doors never seems to happen to us? Myths about orgasm not only create unrealistic expectations, they can limit our very definition of sex. When orgasm is the main goal of sex and we aim to get there as fast as humanly possible, we might be missing out on what our sexual experiences have to offer.
MYTH 1: ORGASM IS THE GOAL
One of the most prevalent myths about orgasm is that it’s the only goal worth aiming for in sex—it’s the very reason we have sex at all. This is so deep in our thinking about sex that we often claim we’ve “had sex” only if one partner has reached orgasm. This perspective of sex-as-orgasm brings into sharp focus the differences and similarities of men’s and women’s orgasm.
Generally speaking, men have an easier time reaching orgasm than women do. Approximately 90% of men orgasm regularly during sex, while that number is closer to 50% for women; approximately 9% of women in sexual relationships have never orgasmed.[i]
Although women can have multiple orgasms in short timeframe and men cannot, both men and women describe the sensation of orgasm similarly. For example, in interviews where men and women were asked to describe orgasm, readers could not distinguish between male or female descriptions.[ii]
Another difference between men and women is that the underlying sex hormones for men (testosterone) and women (oxytocin) make it likely that it will take women longer to experience desire and arousal than men, and a longer period of sexual stimulation to reach orgasm than men. That is, the chances a woman could reach orgasm during the length of an elevator trip are slim, although it just might be possible for a man.
MYTH 2: WE SHOULD ORGASM TOGETHER
Which leads us to the myth that we should all follow essentially the same path to orgasm. This myth reveals itself in the fact that women’s sexuality is often measured against male sexual norms. For example, women are seen as slower to climax (in comparison to men), and women are viewed as less sexually willing (in comparison to men). When the expectation is that we’ll all arrive at orgasm in the same way and at the same time, those differences can create real problems. Men might second-guess their sexual abilities
I would have come by now . . . she must not be that into me. Women might wonder. What is wrong with me? It feels great, so why can’t I get all the way there? Thankfully for us all, researchers have started to look at those differences between men and women as just that: differences. Not less thans, not better-thans, but different-thans. [iii] In fact, where researchers have relied on one template for sexuality for years (a straightforward male template of desire, arousal, orgasm, and refractory period) [iv] researchers have found that women have up to seven different sexual response patterns. That is, for both women and men there is a large degree of variability in the order of arousal and desire, the time it takes to reach orgasm, and even the experienced intensity of orgasm.
MYTH 3: PENETRATIVE SEX IS THE WAY TO ORGASM
Although there is a lot of variability in our sexuality, there are certain scenarios than make female orgasm more likely. On a physical note, women are more likely to orgasm from clitoral stimulation than any other way. Picture the clitoris as a matching sexual organ to the male penis, but with its only function being sexual arousal (the word itself comes from the Greek word for key). [v] Clitoral stimulation is essential for a large majority of women and penetrative sex often doesn’t provide the quality of arousal needed. This little sexual organ has some amazing capabilities, so don’t short-change the attention it receives. One non-irritating way to stimulate the clitoris is oral sex. Receiving oral sex is often helpful for women to reach orgasm because the tongue is soft and warm and saliva is a good lubricant, which allows women to feel arousal without much friction.[i] Try a variety of activities and see what feels good to you and tap into that power!
MYTH 4: ORGASM IS A PHYSICAL THING
Another myth is that orgasm is only a physical thing. In reality, research has shown that the elements that make women more likely to orgasm fall under two overall categories: the mind and the relationship. Here are some of the ways that the mind and the relationship are of utmost importance to female orgasm, which include a few additional tips that may play a part in orgasm.
MIND OVER MATTER
Studies have shown that women tend to value men’s orgasm more than their own, but when a woman feels she deserves to orgasm—and she values orgasm as a healthy and fun part of sex—she’s more likely to get there.[i] Women who feel deserving often take responsibility for their sexuality and end up having more frequent orgasms than those who don’t. This includes being willing to try new positions and communicating clearly with a partner about what things are a turn on and what things are not. Sexual mindfulness, which includes letting go of judgment during a sexual experience, can also increase the frequency and intensity of orgasm—for both men and women.
OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM MATTERS TOO
There’s an old saying that “all of life is foreplay.” Relationship quality matters to both women and men when it comes to sexual satisfaction, but for women it can be especially crucial. A relationship that works well and feels good will promote female orgasm.[i] In fact, because a woman might enter a sexual relationship having already subordinating her needs to her partner’s, she might have to learn to value her wants and needs. As always, communication is key. We’ll talk a lot on our blog about talking about sex—because your brain is one of your most important sex organs. Not all conversations about sex need to happen during a sexual experience, and it’s likely valuable if some of them don’t. For one thing, talking about sex together can be a lot of fun, and create enjoyable sexual tension. You might end up wishing that the elevator would get stuck!
AIM HIGHER
Both men and women value women’s orgasm.[i] When women orgasm regularly both men and women feel happier about their sexual and emotional relationship. Understanding this can potentially free you up to take the time you need to reach climax, and also to talk to your partner about what things are most arousing to you. But keep in mind that research has also found that for women, orgasming between 61–80% of the time during sex seems to be good enough. [vi]
Beyond that amount, there was little emotional or relational boost to aiming for orgasm. And here’s the important part: aiming for orgasm in every sexual experience might actually create unnecessary pressure in both partners. Let your partner know where you fall in terms of orgasm—and how much it matters and does not matter to you. There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to sexual arousal and orgasm. Sexual responsiveness and desire differ between individuals and can shift and change across the lifespan within an individual as well. Stress, relationship dynamics, health, and hormonal shifts change things for us all. What was erotic yesterday might turn out to be not-so-hot tomorrow. And that’s part of the beauty of it. Because sex changes over time and because each of us is so very different, aiming for orgasm in every sexual scenario might limit our sexual experience instead of enhancing it. In fact, the magic of sex can be deepened when we stop trying to focus on orgasm and aim instead for closeness and intimacy with a partner. That is, when we find ourselves starting to equate sex with orgasm and only orgasm, we might want let go of that myth and aim for intimate connection.
COUPLES ACTIVITIES:
Talk about what is and isn’t stimulating. What helps you feel connected and aroused during foreplay?Take turns hitting climax and enjoy the pleasure of your partner. Ask for what you need within the relationship and in sexual experiences. Remember that men and women both benefit from each other’s pleasure. Don’t forget to work on the whole relationship. Take an inventory of your relationship and see where the two of you can improve in being more connected.
[i] Kontula, O., & Miettinen, A. (2016). Determinants of female sexual orgasms.
Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology, 6
, 31624.
[ii] Meston, C. M., Levin, R. J., Sipski, M. L., Hull, E., & Heiman, J. R. (2004). Women’s orgasm. Annual Review of Sex Research 15, 174–257.
[iii] Leavitt, C. E., Leonhardt, N. D., & Busby, D. M. (2019b). Different ways to get there: Evidence of a variable female sexual response cycle.
The Journal of Sex Research, 1-14.doi:10.1080/00224499.2019.1616278[iv]
Masters, W. H., & Johnson, V. E. (1966). Human sexual response. Boston, MA: Little, Brown and Company. [v] Mintz, L. (2017).
Becoming cliterate: Why orgasm equality matters–and how to get it. HarperOne. [vi]
Leavitt, C. E., Leonhardt, N. D., Busby, D. M. & Clarke, R. W. (under review). When enough is enough.
