An Antidote for Hope-ium: Mindfulness
The pattern of struggle was well-established: Sarah would voice a concern, and Troy would blow up, yell, or give her the silent treatment until she acknowledged the problem was hers alone. Troy would later say he knew he was out of control, but she was the one who pushed his buttons. Sarah didn’t want to face how bad the relationship had gotten, so she convinced herself (and it didn’t take much convincing) that she could manage Troy’s outbursts better next time. She could be more accommodating. With that hope, she carried on.
Patrick Doyle[i], a therapist, coined the term “hope-ium” to describe when a person denies harmful behavior and instead looks for small moments or experiences that bolster the false hope that they are not being harmed or that things will magically change. Dr. Doyle asks people to consider the connection between hope and a painkiller. If painkillers are used for a short time to overcome a difficult event (like surgery), that’s an appropriate and necessary use. However, painkillers can become problematic when they are relied upon, and the person is dependent. In this case, painkillers prohibit growth, healing, or resolution. Hope can be like a drug—use it appropriately, and it’s a powerful tool for recovery. Overuse it and it impedes growth, autonomy, and may even encourage unhealthy tolerance of abusive behavior.
An Antidote for Hope-ium: Mindfulness
The pattern of struggle was well-established: Sarah would voice a concern, and Troy would blow up, yell, or give her the silent treatment until she acknowledged the problem was hers alone. Troy would later say he knew he was out of control, but she was the one who pushed his buttons. Sarah didn’t want to face how bad the relationship had gotten, so she convinced herself (and it didn’t take much convincing) that she could manage Troy’s outbursts better next time. She could be more accommodating. With that hope, she carried on.
Patrick Doyle[i], a therapist, coined the term “hope-ium” to describe when a person denies harmful behavior and instead looks for small moments or experiences that bolster the false hope that they are not being harmed or that things will magically change. Dr. Doyle asks people to consider the connection between hope and a painkiller. If painkillers are used for a short time to overcome a difficult event (like surgery), that’s an appropriate and necessary use. However, painkillers can become problematic when they are relied upon, and the person is dependent. In this case, painkillers prohibit growth, healing, or resolution. Hope can be like a drug—use it appropriately, and it’s a powerful tool for recovery. Overuse it and it impedes growth, autonomy, and may even encourage unhealthy tolerance of abusive behavior.
Is This a Difficult or Destructive Relationship?
For some people it’s hard to distinguish between what’s just a difficult relationship and what is destructive or abusive. Emotional abuse seems vague to some people. Here are some important warning signs for emotional abuse:
You feel crazy or like you’re never heard
You are always to blame
Your partner tries to isolate you and control who you talk to
Problems never resolve, and your feelings are minimized
If any of these are your experience, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in destructive relationships.
Using Hope-ium to Avoid
Using hope to avoid the reality of the destructive behavior is not helpful or healthy. For hope to be helpful, both partners must act on what is hoped for. Hope is hard won, not an ignorance to reality.
Recent research suggests that there is a close connection between false hope and ignorance.[ii]When a person chooses to ignore or pretend that the behavior isn‘t problematic, that‘s hope-ium. Instead of dealing with the immediate issue, bad behaviors become more entrenched and wounds festers. Hope is justified only if it is “realistic.” That is when hope is based on good judgement and the likelihood of performance. But when patterns continually indicate poor behavior, hope is not warranted. When a person ignores regular poor behavior to maintain hope, they are using hope-ium—or a false hope that keeps them stuck in a destructive pattern. To avoid hope-ium—Don’t distort reality.
Is This a Difficult or Destructive Relationship?
For some people it’s hard to distinguish between what’s just a difficult relationship and what is destructive or abusive. Emotional abuse seems vague to some people. Here are some important warning signs for emotional abuse:
Threat to the relationship. People are afraid the conflict discussion will irreparably harm the relationship. In other words, they value their relationships even when they’re not happy relationships. Said another way, they’d rather stay silent than risk a conflict that might improve the relationship but might also tear the relationship apart.
Threat to partner. People fear that the conflict discussion will hurt their partner’s feelings. They care about their partner’s well-being even when they’re not happy with the way their relationship is going. Again, they’d rather muddle through without speaking up than create an uncomfortable situation, even if there’s a chance of making things better.
Threat to self. People fearthat the conflict discussion will make them vulnerable, open up the possibility of not being accepted and loved. They may reveal too much, and their partner may disapprove or shame them. We crave our partner’s approval, and losing their approval is an enormous contributor to why people fear talking about sensitive issues in their relationship.
If any of these are your experience, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in destructive relationships.
Using Hope-ium to Avoid
Using hope to avoid the reality of the destructive behavior is not helpful or healthy. For hope to be helpful, both partners must act on what is hoped for. Hope is hard won, not an ignorance of reality.
Recent research suggests that there is a close connection between false hope and ignorance.[ii]When a person chooses to ignore or pretend that the behavior isn‘t problematic, that‘s hope-ium. Instead of dealing with the immediate issue, bad behaviors become more entrenched and wounds fester. Hope is justified only if it is “realistic.” That is when hope is based on good judgment and the likelihood of performance. But when patterns continually indicate poor behavior, hope is not warranted. When a person ignores regular poor behavior to maintain hope, they are using hope-ium—or a false hope that keeps them stuck in a destructive pattern. To avoid hope-ium—Don’t distort reality.
Use Mindfulness Not Hope-ium
Mindfulness is a practice of slowing down thoughts and focusing on breath. It sounds simple, and it is—but it takes practice.[iii]Although mindfulness is associated with happiness, productivity,[iv]satisfaction in relationships, and lower stress,[v]
It achieves these positive outcomes not through fanciful denial or avoidance. Mindfulness as a practice requires a constant attunement with the reality of the present and an acceptance of what can and cannot be done. Hope-ium is simply an avoidance tactic or an unwillingness to address the problematic realities of the relationship.
Mindfulness encourages an opposite approach. Instead of avoidance, sit with the reality of the destructive behavior. Acceptance means no longer resisting or denying what is. It is not approval of the bad behavior.[vi]An accepting person is not condoning, agreeing with, or sanctioning the bad behavior. Acceptance is the first step to sorting through the issues of the relationship. If a partner is willing, talk through the issues and frankly discuss healthy boundaries. If a partner is not open to authentically addressing the destructive behaviors (which likely includes counseling), then mindfully consider what steps need to be taken to create a healthier environment. This may require permanent separation from the destructive environment.
Notice how you felt during the embrace. What thoughts or feelings came up for you? Are there feelings of connectedness, or is there a lingering problem? If there is a lingering problem, sit with each other for a few moments after the mindful embrace and put your forehead together and quietly talk about how you feel. No accusations. Just talk about feelings of sorrow, loss, disappointment, or regret. It’s normal to feel hesitant to bring up a problem. But for those willing to do the work, it doesn’t have to stay that way. Remember that conflict or addressing a problem is an opportunity for greater intimacy.
Here is one way to practice mindfulness instead of hope-ium.
When you experience problematic behaviors:
You feel crazy or like you’re never heard
You are always to blame
Your partner tries to isolate you and control who you talk to
Problems never resolve, and your feelings are minimized
Use Mindfulness Not Hope-ium
Mindfulness is a practice of slowing down thoughts and focusing on breath. It sounds simple and it is—but it takes practice.[iii]Although mindfulness is associated with happiness, productivity,[iv]satisfaction in relationships, and lower stress,[v]. It achieves these positive outcomes not through fanciful denial or avoidance. Mindfulness as a practice requires a constant attunement with the reality of the present and an acceptance of what can and cannot be done. Hope-ium is simply an avoidance tactic or an unwillingness to address the problematic realities of the relationship.
Mindfulness encourages an opposite approach. Instead of avoidance, sit with the reality of the destructive behavior. Acceptance means no longer resisting or denying what is. It is not approval of the bad behavior.[vi]An accepting person is not condoning, agreeing with, or sanctioning the bad behavior. Acceptance is the first step to sorting through the issues of the relationship. If a partner is willing, talk through the issues and frankly discuss healthy boundaries. If a partner is not open to authentically addressing the destructive behaviors (which likely includes counseling) then mindfully consider what steps need to be taken to create a healthier environment. This may require permanent separation from the destructive environment.
Threat to the relationship. People are afraid that the conflict discussion will irreparably harm the relationship. In other words, they value their relationships even when they’re not happy relationships. Said another way, they’d rather stay silent than risk a conflict that might improve the relationship but might also tear the relationship apart.
Threat to partner. People fear that the conflict discussion will hurt their partner’s feelings. They care about their partner’s well-being even when they’re not happy with the way their relationship is going. Again, they’d rather muddle through without speaking up than create an uncomfortable situation, even if there’s a chance of making things better.
Threat to self. People fear that the conflict discussion will make them vulnerable, open up the possibility of not being accepted and loved. They may reveal too much, and their partner may disapprove or shame them. We crave our partner’s approval, and losing their approval is an enormous contributor to why people fear talking about sensitive issues in their relationship.
Here is one way to practice mindfulness instead of hope-ium.
When you experience problematic behaviors:
Hope-ium is a druglike response to avoid the hard realities of a problematic relationship. Mindfulness is acceptance and action to address the harm, the wounded feelings, and gain perspective on how to move forward.
[ii]Musschenga, B. (2019, July). Is there a problem with false hope?. In The Journal of Medicine and Philosophy: A Forum for Bioethics and Philosophy of Medicine (Vol. 44, No. 4, pp. 423-441). US: Oxford University Press.
[iii]Leavitt, C. E., Butzer, B., Clarke, R. W., & Dvorakova, K. (2021). Intentional solitude and mindfulness: The benefits of being alone. The handbook of solitude: Psychological perspectives on social isolation, social withdrawal, and being alone, 340-350.
[iv]Coo, C., & Salanova, M. (2018). Mindfulness can make you happy-and-productive: A mindfulness controlled trial and its effects on happiness, work engagement and performance. Journal of Happiness Studies, 19, 1691-1711.
[v]Barnes, S., Brown, K. W., Krusemark, E., Campbell, W. K., & Rogge, R. D. (2007). The role of mindfulness in romantic relationship satisfaction and responses to relationship stress. Journal of marital and family therapy, 33(4), 482-500.
Hope-ium is a drug-like response to avoid the hard realities of a problematic relationship. Mindfulness is acceptance and action to address the harm, the wounded feelings, and gain perspective on how to move forward.
[ii]Musschenga, B. (2019, July). Is there a problem with false hope?. In The Journal of Medicine and Philosophy: A Forum for Bioethics and Philosophy of Medicine (Vol. 44, No. 4, pp. 423-441). US: Oxford University Press.
[iii]Leavitt, C. E., Butzer, B., Clarke, R. W., & Dvorakova, K. (2021). Intentional solitude and mindfulness: The benefits of being alone. The handbook of solitude: Psychological perspectives on social isolation, social withdrawal, and being alone, 340-350.
[iv]Coo, C., & Salanova, M. (2018). Mindfulness can make you happy and productive: A mindfulness controlled trial and its effects on happiness, work engagement, and performance. Journal of Happiness Studies, 19, 1691-1711.
[v]Barnes, S., Brown, K. W., Krusemark, E., Campbell, W. K., & Rogge, R. D. (2007). The role of mindfulness in romantic relationship satisfaction and responses to relationship stress. Journal of marital and family therapy, 33(4), 482-500.
Helping individuals and couples build stronger, healthier relationships through science-backed mindfulness practices and emotional connection.
Professor, Researcher & Fulbright Fellow
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Copyright 2025. Dr. Chelom Leavitt. All Rights Reserved.
Helping individuals and couples build stronger, healthier relationships through science-backed mindfulness practices and emotional connection.
Professor, Researcher & Fulbright Fellow
Quick Links
Social Media Links
Contact Me
Newsletter Sign up
Copyright 2025. Dr. Chelom Leavitt.
All Rights Reserved.